Tako Rants about Fanfiction - Harry Potter edition part 2

I'm back with more shit to say about Harry Potter fanfics y'all. I hadn't realized I had Opinions about this shit, but turns out I fucking do.

So, if by any chance you found last post's topic (Snarry) revolting, nauseating or just downright gross, prepare your spiritual asshole bitch, because today's is more of the same (sorta).

Fucking Voldemort/Harry pairings

WHY

THE

FUCK

Like seriously, I'm not one to shit on others hard work, but please someone fucking hold my hand, sit next to me and explain to me in small words in what fucking plane of existence this is an ok pairing.

Like lets not even get into character yet, lets go fucking meta: you, a strapping and intrepid fanfiction writer is planning a Harry Potter fic, and when you decide on the pairings, out of all the fucking miriad of males (because obviously you wanna make Harry gay/bi) you go and choose the main antagonist, the fucking racist and facist villain that has slaughtered thousands of people.

Also, we have the same issue than whith Snarry fics: the fucking age difference. And this time its even worse, because its not 20 years of diference that  might not look like much if you have a daddy kink. This time we're talking about at least 50 years or so in age difference. And you, fucking fanfic writer, decided to pair him with a 16 years old.

Now, there are obviously exceptions, like AU fics where they're the same age, and Voldybitch is actually not a sociopath. But I'd ask again, why choose Voldy out of all the males in the series if you're gonna give him a total personality overhaul?

Actually, I already know why the Voldy/Harry pairing exists

Its because of this fucking twink right here.

Why am I so sure?

Because Voldemort in the books and the movies looks like a reptilian ballsack, cause he was a fucking closeted furry that probably transfigured his dick into a reptilian sheath, a hemipenes or some freaky shit like that. And in ALL the fucking Voldy/Harry fics I've read this ballsack appearance is a disguise that Voldemort uses for the aestethic, and his real appearance - Even after 60 fucking years- is the twink we see on book 2.

So, the authors actually have to handwave this with a bullshit excuse in order for this pairing to work, because god fucking forbid Harry actually gets plowed by Voldemort's fursona. That'd be gross.

Cowards.

And lastly, and this I feel should be the strongest argument against this bitchass pairing: Voldemort . killed . Harry's . parents.

Like, HELLO BITCH, he's the main fucking reason Harry is an orphan, that he has to live with the Dursleys and be a fucking battered wife. And for some reason people pair them toghether.

According to AO3, out of all the 198.683 HP fics, 4.087 include the Voldy/Harry pairing.

On the next installment of this little series, we're gonna go over the ever popular practice of bashing characters. Isn't that exciting??

Tako Rants about Fanfiction - Harry Potter edition part 1

So... I didn't disappear into the ether again, which is nice... I guess.

As the fucking tittle suggest, today dear bubbelas, we're going to dip our taints into the murky and sometimes disgusting waters of fanfiction, specifically the particular cesspool that is Harry Potter fanfiction.

Now, don't get me wrong, it is a cesspool I often enjoy swimming in, but there are some days, when it just become too fucking insane, even for me.

You might perhaps ask yourself, why would a seemingly well adjusted grown ass man be reading fanfiction instead of, I don't know, eating ass and living his best life? And I could actually answer right here, but it just ocurred to me that its actually a good topic for another blog post. So, stay tuned for that.

Before we start I'd like to clarify that I deeply admire every writer that actually has the creativity and dedication to upload a full 240k word fanfic, its just that sometimes I can't help but ask

Like what the actual fucking fuck?? who shoved  fistfull of ayahuasca up their distended asshole and decided that Snarry was not only okay, but a desired pairing?

What is Snarry you innocent summer child might ask? It is the unholy relationship of Severus Snape and Harry Potter, in a romantic or sexual manner.

If we take a look around the AO3 fics, there are a total of 198.683 Harry Potter fanfics, of which, 10.287 are actually Snarry fics, which might not look like much, and actually represents only like 5% of it, but it just fucks me up, because I genuinely can't understand why would you pair Harry Bitchface McPotter with a guy that:

•  Is aproximately 20 years his senior.

•  Was repeatedly depicted  harrasing, bullying and demeaning not only Harry, but all of his non Slytherin students.

• Was in "love" with Harry's mother.

I mean, am I the only one (no, I know I'm not) that sees this as a deeply unhealthy and downright toxic pairing?
In most Snarry fics Snape's behavior is often downplayed or explained with a bullshit excuse in-fic, but still. It does not spark joy.

Also, can we fucking talk about how only some of these Snarry fics involve an adult Harry?

Thats fucking right you cuntmunchers, a great deal of these Snarry fics involve an aproximately 36 years old Snape and a 16 years old Harry, at best.

 Like for real? you nongendered bitch??, you come into my house, with a fic about Snape's 16 inches long dick destroying Harry's asshole in the name of burning passion and the sexual tension between a fucking adult and a teenager and NOT address just how downright pedophilic it is?  And then just handwave it away with, "its the power of lurve uwu" or God fucking forbid "They are mAtEs"?

I undertand that the suspension of disbelief is a requirement to read any kind of story, and that sometimes authors need to write fucked up shit as a venting mechanism, its just that this gives me a gross feeling, thats all.

Now, I had planned to write just a cute little post about this, and move onto other fandoms or maybe doing some recomendations. But it turns out I had plenty of fucking feelings about motherfucking Snarry, and didn't even touch the Harry/Voldemort pairing, the creature/mates/dom-sub fics, the character bashing, and the Good!darkside Bad!lightside fics.

So

This will be the first of another series of posts I guess.

Hopefully I won't pop a blood vessel and die writing this, or just lose interest for another 5 fucking  years.

In which I complain about how unproductive I am, again

Ok, ok, I'm gonna write this before I loose my will to live again.

So, Detox here, coming atchu with a slow verse


I have like a thousand ideas about shit to blog about, and absolutely no motivation or attention span to follow through with anything.

If you've read my previous few posts -Seriously, who the fuck reads this?- I want to start a little series about scary ghost stories,  also I've been wanting to do fanfiction rants for a fucking eternity. Aditionally, there are not one, or two but three fucking posts about knitting and crocheting that I've been trying to write without much success.

However, ever since Venezuela's first major energy blackout on March 7, internet access has gone to shit, and I've found myself with long hours of either no power or no internet access. Instead of being a fucking productive bitch and work out, or work on my final paper in order to graduate, or write a blogpost, I've been very dramatically looking into the distance and not. doing. anything.

FUCK

THAT

SHIT

I don't know how long this bout of productivity is going to last, but I'm going to make the best of it.

*Proceeds to dissapear for 5 years again*

Dammit.

Spooky Traditions - Preserving Oral Stories

Ok y'all, bear with me while I try to explain this fuckery both to myself and to you:

Everyone likes scary ghost stories, even non believers in anything paranormal will jump in with a creepy story from time to time... I guess that everyone loves a good scare from time to time. I mean, there's gotta be a reason they're making a 3rd part of fucking Annabelle...

And it sure as fuck ain't cause of the thrilling plot and masterfull and sober acting

 I was watching Grav3yardgirl newest  video about ghost stories, and it just got me thinking about supernatural experiences/ghost stories andI got to the startling realization that pretty much all of my repertoire of supernatural happenings comes mostly from stories shared by family, stories from my grandma, from her sisters and brothers, from my mom and my uncles and aunts, stories that all the children from my family grew up with...
 And, it might sound silly, but my grandma is dead, most of her brothers and sisters are too, and even some of my uncles and aunts are leaving us too, and I feel that slowly a little part of my family's story is slowly disapearing, I mean, who's gonna warn the next generation about Springheeled Jack and the importance of avoiding strangers?

Then again, is it really necesary for these stories to be passed on? I mean, they fulfilled (I think) a purpose besides scaring the shit out of me, for example, that story about Springheeled Jack my aunts used to tell, asides from implying that my aunts threw fucking rocks at some sort of hellspawn, also taught me (intentionally or not) to always be wary of strangers, to be watchfull of unfamiliar people in "safe" spaces, because you never know when that weird guy going around your street is suddenly gonna leap 10 feet in the air and dissapear in a vortex of darkness, you know, in the usual venezuelan fashion.

Or, maybe I'm aproaching this from the wrong angle, maybe its not about something being deserving to be preserved because it serves a particular end, or because it teaches X lesson. Maybe these silly stories that used to terrify me should be preserved just for the fact that they exist, because at some point someone possibly either experienced something paranormal or simply made it up and decided to share it. And THAT in of itself says something, I'm not sure what, but it says something.

If I had the will and the energy to actually dig up my old college books I could maybe write up something about how these paranormal stories could be a link of sorts between the "magical" and the mundane, a way for two worlds so very often isolated from each other to mix. And about how said stories end up being (as all artistics endeavors) a reflection on the current social, cultural and political reality at the time birth of that story.


This got rambly as fuck, and I just wanted to write a little blurb as a sort of preface for this posible series of posts...


So, in the future (knowing me probably next fucking year) expect some scary (not really, you'll see)  ghost stories, I guess

Its 2018, Are Blogs even Cool anymore? Do we still say Cool?

So, here I am, again, after a fucking millenia away, without an actual reason to my absence besides that I got entertained and sidetracked with other stuff FOR  5 FUCKING YEARS?? WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK SIS?. 

                                     

At the same time, I'm not gonna excuse myself or promise not to do it again, because I am what? sickening Irrelevant.

anyone got that reference? 

                                 

Seriously tho, who the fuck reads this anyway? besides the shitton of russian traffic I get for reasons unknown, I'm my only reader... AND THATS FUCKING FINE

At least thats what I try to tell myself, but

                                                

So I guess I'll just use this blog as a sort of venting plataform or some shit... Maybe post some knitting again, talk shit about fanfiction and that kind of crap.

When I first started this blog, it was (I guess) under the inspiration of actual succesful people like the Bloggess, or the Yarn Harlot, writers with a huge fanbase, and people that, you know, actually care about what they have to say. Back then, little old me was all like "FUCK YES, I WANT THAT SHIT", I wanted to be read (even though I have nothing interesting to say) and feel validated I guess? Thats something everyone wants to some degree I guess... Anyfuckingway, I was all ready to dazzle everyone with my wit and my masterfull use of the written word, and be fucking loved and extolled in return. But... It never happened, mostly because I barely posted anything thats the only reason you fucking dumbass, But I guess I got discouraged and dissapointed on myself, and just directed my attention elsewhere.

Now, I'm gonna try to dance (write) only for myself, like that time Madonna became a Camel dancer 

No, this is not a Peter Griffin-esque fucked up anecdote, this really happened

 I'm gonna try to write about the things I want to read and see, and maybe someone will read it and enjoy it, or maybe nobody will, and thats OKAY, fuck outside validation and shit, I'll be my own strong independent woman of color mother of three who don't need no fucking validation...

An ode to Black Yarn

A while ago, a cousin asked for a phone cozy, he's cool and this would be the first knitted thing he asks, so I said "sure, which colors do you want?", then he said the most awful words someone can say to a knitter IMO: "just one, black", the moment those words left my cousin's mouth I felt the urge to gulp down a hole bottle of vodka, to grow claws and maim him, and running all the way to Peru, all at the same time...

Have you ever, dear reader who possibly is also a knitter/crocheter, worked with black yarn? If you haven't please allow me to explain you the outwordly and invigorating experience that working with black yarn is: its like having mud smeared all over your face, just that instead of being in your face, the mud is all over your stitches... Seriously, you only have a vague sense of what you're doing, and no matter what stitch pattern you use, the thing will still look like an amorphous blob of doom...

see?? Fucking. Blob. of  DOOM

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't dislike the color -most of my shirts are either black or really dark- or the finished projects -they actually look pretty classy and cool-  but damm it, its so frustrating and depressing to work with it  ;.;

As you can see, the finished object looks pretty nice, but still, working with dark yarn is annoying as fuck ¬¬

Also, after casting off the phone cozy I started another project, a complete opposite , color-wise

Sneak Peek!!

2013 Knitting Resolutions

Yo! In an amazing display of responsibility that shocks  even me, I decided to post my list of knitting resolutions... I won't do resolutions like "I want to knit 600000 yards this year" or "I'm gonna knit ALL the swaters in The Celtic Collection" , mostly because they always lead to dissapointment and depression... Intead, what I want to do for the 2013 is try new techniques, tackle patterns that have been taunting me for ages...
So, during this year I want to:
- Learn to do double knitting
- Get better at doing stranded colorwork
-Actually understand how the fuck do you do entrelac
-Try a fancy pansy, one hundred charts and 4 diferent edgings to choose lace shawl, preferably a circular one, since it'll probably end up as a table runner... Also, the key word here is TRY, if I found the little bastard to be too much of a problem I'll frog it...
-I want to crochet a garment, or a hat...
-A blanket... For some sick and unexplainable reason I want to try either crocheting or knitting a blanket... I might actually do a bicraftual project and make a bunch of afghan blocks...
- This one is not really a resolution but a "if I have time" kind of thing: I want to knit a cardigan for myself, with a hood, and probably cables, or colorwork... I still don't know, but I want to make myself a fucking cardigan so awesome that people die of sheer envy when the see it...

Now, just like I mentioned above, I'd like to tackle a few patterns that have been teasing me for a while and I've been too much of a chicken to try them... This pattern tackling, wich I hope I manage to do, its gonna be called "Bitch, you goin down!", and will be accompanied by this little pseudobadge

I couldn't bring myself to purposely make a spelling mistake

Now, a list with some of the bitches that hopefully will be going down:

-Enpaper Hat
-Bicolor Spiral Hat - This might be the first bitch going down, since I have a yarn that will do the trick
- Pax - This might actually take a while, I've read the pattern and duuuuude I don't undertand shit >.<
-Selbu Modern
-Coachella - I have plans to knit at least 3 of these for several family members...
- Either Pamina, Maeva or Window Pane Socks, just to see how long until I lose my mind
- This thing, just because it looks fucking awesome
-And Finally, a Clapotis, because why the fuck not?

Please note, this is not a definitive list, I just included the ones I find "doable" during this year

Now, If you guys excuse me I have a bag's ass to kick... More to come in this issue, I promise!

A year of projects - 2012 in a Nutshell

So, 2012 its over,  and taking into account that I haven't posted as much as I'd like to, I thought It would be nice to make a post summing up everything I did during 2012... that way I can stop feeling guilty over the bunch of crap I haven't blogged about, and start fresh (blogwise) this new year...

During 2012 I...

-Joined the Nerd Wars game, and met a bunch of cool and loving people. I'm a proud member of team Shady Cels, dedicated to everything animated (comics, cartoons, anime, manga, claymation etc).

-Crafted a bunch of toys, a few of them (like beekat) weird as fuck

that little lion was also my first time using fun  fur... 

- I did my first try on pinneaple crochet... Its pretty cool, but the pattern I chose had an increasing number of picots every round, it wasn't pleasant...

-I had de chance to work with self striping yarn, and I loved it (also, the fucking socks match!!!), sadly the yarn was discontinued...

- I knitted my first dishcloth, that soon was followed by a bunch more...

- HATS!! I made a bunch of them...

these are just a few, I couldn't find more pics... Also, the red hat in the middle is evil, I almost died while working on it

-I frogged one of my biggest projects, in wich I had been working since  2011, because I realised I wasn't doing the YO's properly... Someday I'm gonna start it again, at leat thats what I tell myself...

- Continuing with the frogging, I knitted a pair of socks, said socks were assaulted by what I believe were goblins rapists, and I frogged and reused the yarn... I made a Clapoktus 

- I had the opportunity to test knit one of Denise's (from Voie de Vie) accesories collection patterns, the Piaf Scarf... 

-Also, I gave up to peer pressure and crafted baby clothes for the first time... I might  do it again :p

-Around  November (or something like that), Blogger pulled a total dick move and put  a 1GB limit to their picassa photo storage, read here.... Also, read here for a few options to get around the blogger photo limit

-The mayans were bluffing, the world didn't explode... 

   note: this is a joke, the mayans never predicted the end of the world, just the end of an era

- And finally, I end the year with MOAR WIPS that when it started... A problem that I hope to fix during this first month...

two bags, a sock, and two scarves (well, technically a scarf and a stole)

Next time (which could be tomorrow or next october, who knows), New year knitting resolutions!

This is probably what Hell looks like a.k.a The story of a sock

This was supossed to be a post about love, a post about the kind nature of knitters around the world, it was supossed to be a story about socks, and about everything a sock could stand for... But not anymore, or at least not the way I had it pictured, now, it'll be a story about one of the most horrible things that can happen to a knitter, about angst and despair, about redemption and new beginings, this will be a story about frogging...


Many, many months ago, I took part in a mistery sock KAL hosted by the lovely Jen  a.k.a Knitting Like Crazy, in order to participate for really pretty prices (a skein of sock yarn) you had to finish at least one sock and show a pic, 

then names would be selected by a random thingy generator... The Fates saw fit that mine was one of the names randomly selected, I couldn't believe my luck, addresses were sent, and so a pretty skein of sock yarn took a plane to my country and to my hands... However, not everything was beautiful and perfect, the Fates proved to be a bunch of sadistics sociopaths that enjoyed making me suffer. The package took its time while coming to me, aparently because the postman designated to my area was sick and it was OH SO DIFICULT to find someone else to do the job ¬¬, but when it did, a gray and rainy november day, it was like a christmas eve, that was also your birthday, and you where eating bacon and cake, AND then you had an orgasm, yeah, it was THAT good...

This was the yarn I got

STR light weight (I think) in a colorway called "Knitters without Borders", in honor to Mrs. Harlot's organization. 
I was ecstatic, skeins were hugged and sniffed, swatches were knitted

 and patterns downloaded... At the end I decided to do a plain vanilla sock with How to Knit Socks: A FREE pattern and eBook - By Heather Ordover , because I didn't wanted nothing that messed with the colors... The yarn flew through my needles,

 and the socks were done in what felt like an instant -although, Ravelry says that it took me almost a month-...
Once the socks were done, I wore them around three of four times, 

always handwashing them... Until that time, when I forgot to, and my dad put them in the washing machine.This is were the horror -oh the horror- begins...


STR is a superwash merino yarn, so its technically washing machine friendly, even though that its recomended to handwash it... But taking into account what happened leads me to formulate the following hypotheses:

•  There is a goblin living in my washing machine
•  There is a goblin living in my laundry basquet
•  A pervert sneaked into my house and did horrible, horrible things to my socks
•  All of the above, plus a black hole of doom, an old lady with saggy boobs, and molested goblins...

Because what I found when the socks came out the the washer wasn't normal, wasn't natural, it went against every possible natural law, it spat into mother nature's face... This is what I found

Yes dear readers, a hole, an awfull, duckfucking hole in my heel flap... It was like if the yarn had just melted away.Tears were shed, angry fists were shaken into the sky, but the dreaded hole remained... After probably a week  of waiting that the socks fixed themselves,

Are they fixed??

 I decided to take actions, my first idea was to darn the hole, but a closer look at the hole showed that the damage was just too much for darning, I would have to darn the whole heel flap, my mom kept saying "throw them away, they already went past their useful lifetime". At the end I came to the conclusion that it'd be better to frog the whole thing and probably start over...

Thats a great idea!

Now, let me tell you, frogging something that has been knitted for at least 4 months, and washed a few times its NOT an easy task, the yarn was slightly felted in some points, but I kept at it... While I pulled the yarn away, and the stitches unraveled, strange thought flew through my head, in no particular order:

• This is taking forever, I need to pee
• I spent probably two weeks working on this... what a pity...
• I feel so sad
• I really need to pee

• I hate you washer goblins
• I need to un-kink this thing
• Will it bleed when I wash it?
• Will I have the courage to reknit this?
• Maybe the yarn didn't wanted to be socks? 
• This reminds me of those monks that spent months doing paintings with colored sand, and the sweep it all away..I feel so zen...
• So, what now? a shawlette?
• It'll probably look cool as a citron
• Or maybe some monkeys?
• Fuck it, I'm gonna pee

Even though it pained me to no end to frog the socks, I felt strangely free, lighter, better, once I was done... After all, life goes on, its just yarn, you love it, knit it, frog it and knit it again...
Its just yarn...

 and the possibilities are endless right?

Breaking out a.k.a Fuck you Jiminy Cricket!

So... Its been a while huh? I don't really have much of an explanation for my absence in the blogosphere... Except that the fucking brain-melting parasite is back... No, I haven't lost my mind (I think), but everytime I'm meaning to do anything, from saying hello to someone on Facebook, to replying to an email or even getting up from bed, I get this awful and nasty voice in my head, saying awful stuff like "whats the point?", "who cares about what you have to say? you're not gonna make any difference", "you're stupid, go die plzkthnks"... 

And so far the fucking brain melting parasite has been succesfull... I've stopped talking to people to the point we're my poor social skills, have become even more awkard, if thats even posible... I wouldn't say I'm depressed, depression is a fucking serious  thing, but I haven't felt "good" in a while... And I've had enough of it... I don't like feeling out of place everywhere and everytime, and I've had enough of that little voice telling me off each time I feel like doing anything...
I'm gonna put my shit in order, and I swear on my Madeline Tosh Sock skein that I'm gonna be a productive human being again, no more lurking on the net, no more ignoring my friends, and no more postponing stuff...

I have a few things planned for this blog (which by the way, its gonna be a year old in a few weeks), including (possibly) a pattern... 

Knitting and Crochet Blog Week - Day 7 3KCBWDAY7 "Balanced Crafting?"

Hullo! I'm back... Shit rained on me (not litterally, thank god) during this week, its a shame I couldn't participate in all the days :/
But fuck it, lets not focus on the negative and lets talk about this day's topic: 

Crafting Balance Are you a knitter or a crocheter, or are you a bit of both? If you are monogamous in your yarn-based crafting, is it because you do not enjoy the other craft or have you simply never given yourself the push to learn it? Is it because the items that you best enjoy crafting are more suited to the needles or the hook? Do you plan on ever trying to take up and fully learn the other craft? If you are equally comfortable knitting as you are crocheting, how do you balance both crafts? Do you always have projects of each on the go, or do you go through periods of favouring one over the other? How did you come to learn and love your craft(s)?

I can both knit and crochet, and I tend to have at least one project of each going on. However I find really hard to "read" my crochet or, the yarn gods help me, follow a crochet pattern. A peek at my projects will probably tell you that I seem to have a little problem when it comes to using equally both crafts...

For me crochet its only for doing toys and for doing small lace pieces, like doilies, even though I've seen all those beautiful crocheted garments, I can't seem to wrap my head in the idea that you can actually make clothes with a hook. In the other hand I tend to use knitting for making all the other stuff that aren't toys or  doilies...

Want Evidence?

Exhibit A- Crocheted doilies

Exhibit B - Amigurumi = crocheted  toys

Ignore his lack of eyes, I'm a very lazy person...

I should rename him to Pascal xD

Crocheted clothes/gloves/hats/dead raccoons:

Now, what If we look into my knitted projects?

Hats

a cardi

A few pairs of socks

shitloads of scarves

With a cameo apeareance of Momo the cat...

See???

Well dear readers ( you guys exist right?) This marks the end of my first KniCroBlo, it was fun,and I would've liked to participate more, next year I'll try not to be a slacker and get things done before hand... Now I need to start catching up with all the blogs that participated....

If you want to read more posts about balanced crafting (or the lack of it) click the first pic  of the post...